There have been mountains upon mountains of articles written about dating and first-dates in particular.. There are literally thousands of ways to cover the topic and I have read many of them. I have found that they are, for the most part, targeted at women. Experts, pundits, coaches and advisers of all kinds, each have their own take on the subject and no shortage of tips on how to have a successful first-date… for women. They tell women what to talk about, what not to talk about, how to act, how NOT to act, offer to pay the tab or split the tab, drink, don’t drink… and typically the advice is relatively good, if not somewhat obvious.
Some of the typical stuff you see repeated over and over include:
1.) Meet, don’t get picked up.
2.) Meet in a well lit public place.
3.) Try to avoid talking about your Ex and/or your divorce.
4.) Don’t drink at all or at least be aware of your limitations.
Most of these are a little “Duh” inducing. Still, I am sure there are a number of women out there who meet for the first time by being picked up at their house or agree to meet at a man’s home for a personally prepared dinner only to realize later that they have made a huge mistake and a potentially dangerous one at that. For some people the only way they learn is from experience.
But hardly ever do you see an article or column written with tips or advice on first-dates for men. So in the interest of fair play, I would like to outline for you my advice for successful first-dates from a man’s perspective. I hope these will put you more at ease when meeting a woman for the first time out on the town. I want to make it clear that these are tips for when you have never met before and the first-date is your initial introduction to one another. A first-date with a woman you have known for some time comes with a completely different set of instructions.
The secret to a good first-date is this – That nervousness you feel… she feels it too.
It’s human nature. We want people to like us and to accept us for who we are. The need for validation is even greater after a break-up or divorce. A first-date can be nerve racking. I know… I’ve been on many of them. We get all dressed up, possibly iron a shirt, put on the good cologne, pluck a nose hair or two, and even though we look our best, we’re still unsure of ourselves. We turn into stammering, sweaty-palmed adolescents all over again. Well news flash… so do they. Believe me, she is every bit as nervous as you are. She has likely gone through a similar ritual of her own, trying on three outfits, curling her hair, shaving her legs, etc. all in the hopes that you will like her when she gets there.
My advice is to lessen your anxiety and put you back in control:
1.) Stay calm and just remind yourself that she is likely to be more nervous about the situation than you are. It will build your confidence if you can allow yourself to enter the situation with that in mind. With the idea that you will be the calming force in the room, she will feed off of your energy and relax. She will look to you to set the tone and follow your lead the rest of the night.
2.) Go some place that you like, where you feel most comfortable. That’s not to say that you should take her to Sub-Way or some dive-bar that you like to go to after work with the guys. What I mean is, scout out a few nice places where you can sit and have a nice private conversation without yelling at each other over the music, but still be in a public place. A wine bar, an outdoor lounge or a restaurant with a nice bar/lounge area that you are familiar with. Make it some place that you have been to a few times on your own, a place where you feel confident and possibly even know the server or bartender. It will help to put you at ease if you feel like it is your home turf.
3.) Keep the date short, drinks only, no dinner. There are a number of caveats to this, but the general theme is to go into the date with the intention of keeping it to under two hours. If it goes a little long, that’s fine, but you want to leave them wanting more and, at the same time, avoid a potential catastrophe in the making. Some people will balk at the idea that you wouldn’t spring for dinner on a first date. I say phooey. It’s not about the money. It’s about the company. There is nothing worse than having to sit through a meal with someone you have nothing in common with, nothing to talk about and zero attraction for only to then be stuck with the bill. Sticking to drinks on a first date heads off this potential nightmare and leaves you something to look forward to on a second date.
4.) Have some go-to questions prepared. Come up with a fun list of playful questions that you can go to at any moment if the conversation begins to lag. These should be fun and playful yet potentially revealing. You can spin conversation off from the answers given. Be careful though. Don’t ask anything you wouldn’t want to answer when they turn it back to you. A few of my favorites are: Have you ever been convicted of a felony/arrested/pulled over? If your house was on fire and your children and pets were safe and you only had time to grab one thing… what would it be? What super-power would you want to have? Do you have any recurring dreams (flying – naked in public – lost something)? Women love to talk and all you need to do is give them a topic. Having a short list of prepared questions to get the ball rolling will come in handy and could potentially give you details about her that you would not have gotten any other way.
5.) Pay the bill. This site is for men and gentlemen at that. I don’t care how liberated you are or how cheap you may be. I say, pay the bill. If she reaches for her purse simply say, “I’ll get this.” If she insists once, refuse and take charge, if she insists again, then and only then are you allowed to begrudgingly acquiesce and allow her to contribute. Being a gentleman isn’t always easy to do, but you have to try without offending her.
6.) Walk her to her car, thank her for her time and when you walk away, don’t look back. Again, be the gentleman and walk her safely to her vehicle. Don’t stand outside the bar and awkwardly try to get a kiss. Insist on walking her to her car to insure her safety. As you approach the car, thank her for her time. Let her know that you understand how valuable it is. She likely had to get a sitter and make certain arrangements. Let her know you get it and are appreciative of her going to the trouble. If she immediately gets in the car and closes the door or puts the door between the two of you , you’re not getting a kiss. If she lingers without opening the door and turns toward you, there is a good likelihood that she is at least open to the idea and you will want to make the move. Don’t be overly aggressive. Just move in slowly and if she wants to stop you, she will. You should know before you even have to make a move whether or not she is going to allow it. It should be clear based on how the date went. Get her into the car and on her way. As soon as the car is started, turn and walk to yours without looking back. It’s a sign of confidence and will keep her guessing. It’s a good thing.
A good first date can be a lot of fun and the evening could end in a number of ways. While a great first-date could potentially lead down another path than outlined here, I’ve given you a scenario that anyone can live with and still consider it a successful first-date and be excited about what is to come. I’ll get into the signals she is sending, the intricacies of her body language and how to insure a second date another time. For now, use these tips to put yourself at ease and have the confidence to have a really nice time with someone new.
I’d love to hear your feedback. Leave me a comment with your tips.
Best of luck
Jack
About Jack Adams
